Life Is Difficult Enough: A Prosecution
Life is difficult enough without that can of Natural Light you left in your gym bag exploding. But nature is a cold and apathetic place. You should have known better. You should have known if you left that can in there too long, what given this heat and the weight of your jogging shoes, and your walkman, and your CDs (when will you get an I-Pod, creep?)that sooner or later the jig was going to be up. And then what? Then you've got two inches of stale beer soaking in the bottom of your gym bag. As for the fate of the other contents in your bag, I don't know what to say. Did you leave your gray dress slacks in that bag? Well did you?
You want absolution. You want to be forgiven. Your explanation, as I understand it, goes something like: you forgot you left that can of Natural Light in your bag. It was days ago you put it in there. It just escaped your mind. Very well, lets operate on the premise that all of this is true. Do you really believe that this answers all of the relevant questions raised by this event? Is it actually your stance that forgetfulness is the only important issue here?
A brief change of subject. Pardon the digression. Did you get ketchup on the bed the other night? Yes, on the bed. Don't play dumb, you know the night I'm referring to. You were having a sandwich weren't you? And then you were preparing to lie down, when from across the room you observed an expression of ashen horror on the face of your significant other. And that person said, sounding not cross but shaken: "Why is there ketchup on the bed?" And at that very instant you knew, with accumulating dread, that you were the responsible party.
But did you take responsibility? Most curiously you did not. What was the tone of voice you employed as you unpersuasively feigned amazement: "Oh my God, how did that get there?" And your significant other just sat shaking her head, unwilling to embarrass you further, although that is what you plainly deserved.
But back to the gym bag. It was, you say, a freak accident. And indeed by any typical standard it would certainly seem to be an abnormal occurence. But, then let us get down to brass tacks, shall we? There is something loaded about the turn of phrase "freak accident", is there not? This would seem to imply, I think it can be fairly judged, that you have never had a can of beer explode in your bag before. Or certainly not recently. Definately not twice more in the past six months.
But you have put beer cans in your bag before, haven't you? And those cans have exploded too, didn't they?
I can see from your knitted brow and desperate darting eyes that you are now wondering: "What is my crime? What ill have I caused society? How is it that I have torn at the fabric of the public trust?!"
It seems, in your anxiety, that you have mistaken me for some kind of advocate of a state or municipal court, as someone who prosecutes you now in an official capacity with some kind of insitutional notion of "justice" in mind. But nothing could be further from the truth. I am not interested in sanctions or punishments or retribution for your misdeeds, if you are in fact capable of viewing them as such. I am simply saying: life is hard enough.
You want absolution. You want to be forgiven. Your explanation, as I understand it, goes something like: you forgot you left that can of Natural Light in your bag. It was days ago you put it in there. It just escaped your mind. Very well, lets operate on the premise that all of this is true. Do you really believe that this answers all of the relevant questions raised by this event? Is it actually your stance that forgetfulness is the only important issue here?
A brief change of subject. Pardon the digression. Did you get ketchup on the bed the other night? Yes, on the bed. Don't play dumb, you know the night I'm referring to. You were having a sandwich weren't you? And then you were preparing to lie down, when from across the room you observed an expression of ashen horror on the face of your significant other. And that person said, sounding not cross but shaken: "Why is there ketchup on the bed?" And at that very instant you knew, with accumulating dread, that you were the responsible party.
But did you take responsibility? Most curiously you did not. What was the tone of voice you employed as you unpersuasively feigned amazement: "Oh my God, how did that get there?" And your significant other just sat shaking her head, unwilling to embarrass you further, although that is what you plainly deserved.
But back to the gym bag. It was, you say, a freak accident. And indeed by any typical standard it would certainly seem to be an abnormal occurence. But, then let us get down to brass tacks, shall we? There is something loaded about the turn of phrase "freak accident", is there not? This would seem to imply, I think it can be fairly judged, that you have never had a can of beer explode in your bag before. Or certainly not recently. Definately not twice more in the past six months.
But you have put beer cans in your bag before, haven't you? And those cans have exploded too, didn't they?
I can see from your knitted brow and desperate darting eyes that you are now wondering: "What is my crime? What ill have I caused society? How is it that I have torn at the fabric of the public trust?!"
It seems, in your anxiety, that you have mistaken me for some kind of advocate of a state or municipal court, as someone who prosecutes you now in an official capacity with some kind of insitutional notion of "justice" in mind. But nothing could be further from the truth. I am not interested in sanctions or punishments or retribution for your misdeeds, if you are in fact capable of viewing them as such. I am simply saying: life is hard enough.
posted by Timothy Bracy at 8:47 PM
6 Comments:
the real question here is why were you drinking natural light.?!
if it makes you feel any better, a bottle of proactiv facial lotion SPF 15 somehow opened in my overly crowded bag (as my husband calls it, my "entourage") and completely squeezed out its whole contents, to completely engulf my cell phone. i had to get a new cell phone because of this. and it is a very busy week.
I think i may have said, when i reached into my bag to get my keys and my hand came out completely covered in this lotion: Life is Hard Enough!
these are acts of cruelty, and complete humilitation.
I think the best way to get out of jams like the one you've described is to pretend you have no idea what the other is talking about: "Huh? Bag? You'll have to let me know what one of these so-called 'bags' looks like before I can answer your questions." This is a very old and practiced defense which when employed effectively can bring very satisfactory outcomes.
Now, I have been using this defense since I was six, so I really know its finer points. "Honey, I would be happy to do the dishes, but I have no idea what they look like, where they can be found; nor do I know the correct proportion of dish soap to water that would be acceptable in cleaning such 'dishes.'" When I get in "the zone" with it, my wife will simply throw up her hands and mutter to herself while walking away. The request to do the job is forgotten which allows me plenty of time to watch baseball on the couch. Sometimes, if I'm feeling ornory, I'll yell up to her after some time has past - "Hey, those dishes sure are dirty..." This is not recommended for rookies.
My advice is to begin slow; something like: "Now when you say bills, are you talking about the papers we get in the mailbox or how I blow my nose...?" Good luck.
Good point Floval- I like the cut of your jib. A good way to take the heat off IS to pretend that you have forgotten the many of many simple words or phrases and until the determination gets made that you are not even coherent enough to deal with. I haven't tried this for awhile, though I might have tried it with Ms. Beckett at one time or another, I'm not sure.
Autumn, life is hard enough. I'm sorry you got sun block on your cell phone. This just goes to show if it could happen to you than it could happen to anyone. Do you recall the time I got that box of frozen pizza permanently stuck in your freezer? I wonder if it's still in there.
Chicken Fries, I take it you are not a fan of Natural Light? I confess I find it rather tasty. But (these others can assure you) I am not exactly noted for my conniseur's taste in food and drink...
the corner broke off my cell phone. trying to call my dad to remedy the situation, i had a strange wrist spasm and threw the phone on the floor and broke another part off. you wanna tell me life is difficult???
dear proven system and the power therein, i am writing a formal complaint that life has become even more difficult since we lost sight of your daily or weekly musings. of course i realize we can read them under the guise of sportsloving, which is a worthy and worthwhile direction to place your pen or wordprocessing, but it is rather sad to flip over here every once in a while and not see an update. but whatever, i have too much free time, and obviously your proven system is working as you are taking new turns, adding new viewers.
yours sincerely in the blogging arena,
RG
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